A Torah life should bring people closer, not tear them apart. But a lot of times, you’re going to find keeping kosher, Shabbat, and other Jewish practices placing a wall between you and others.

Here’s some advice on how to deal with that.

Abaye, the Talmudic sage, used to say, “A person has to be artful about his religiousness.”1

He explained: “If someone screams at you, respond nicely. Work to increase peace and harmony with your siblings and relatives, and with every human being you meet. That way, you will be loved by the One Above and precious down here on earth. When you say something, people will pay attention.”

Rabbi Chanina ben Dosa summed it up, “If people enjoy your company, G‑d does too.”2

So think of an observant Jewish life as an artform. Great artists, musicians, actors—they never appear to be struggling to do what they do.As in most artforms, it’s all about bringing opposites together to create beauty. You’re doing just that. You’re juggling heaven and earth, your own spiritual growth with your personal relationships, and you’re bringing it all together to create something magnificent.

Perhaps the most vital tool in this art form is subtlety. Great artists, musicians, actors—they never appear to be struggling to do what they do. They all make their art seem so easy. Be that great artist. Do all you can to avoid flaunting your observance. The last thing you want is for people to say you think you’re better than them. Make it natural and easy.

You don’t have to hide the fact that you make a blessing on your food before eating. You can and should say the blessing out loud no matter where you are and who is listening. When people see how comfortable you are with it, it’s comfortable for them as well.The same with all your mitzvahs. To be artfully subtle means to simply do it like it was the perfectly natural thing to do.

The same applies when sharing your enthusiasm about your new-found path. When people see how comfortable you are with it, it’s comfortable for them as well. When you wrap tefillin on your buddy or talk to a friend about the mikvah, talk as a peer, not as a preacher. Show them respect. Show them you believe in them and accept them no matter what.

The Torah you so much love tells you clearly that you must never ever tell your parents how they should live.

This is especially true when dealing with immediate family. The last thing you want to make your parents, siblings, or spouse feel guilty or unworthy in your eyes. Don’t preach. Don’t push. Don’t do the in-your-face religious thing. Be clever. Lie low.

Of course, that’s much easier when you’re growing organically in your observance step by step. Then it feels natural because it is, because you took the time to make it so.

But as you grow, keep this always in mind: The Torah you so much love tells you clearly that you must never ever tell your parents how they should live. It also says you should live in peace, love, and harmony with the person you married—which means being supportive, not critical.

If so, how are you going to interest your immediate family in Torah Judaism?

Like Abaye said, be a mentsch. Then people will look up to you. They’ll want to be like you. And they will listen when you have something to say.

Read Should I Care What Others Think About Me?